Love Letters

Having just celebrated Valentines Day, I've been thinking a lot about love letters. The beautiful thing about a love letter is that it's physical, tangible. You can see it, touch it. It connects you to that person in a different way than the spoken word could ever do. Jeff and I spent about four months of our engagement apart. He moved to Iowa, while I stayed in Arkansas until our wedding day. We have a shoebox full of love letters that we wrote to each other during that time. I remember how much I missed Jeff during those months. There were moments when I started to doubt his love for me, if for no other reason than the fact that he was so far away. Whenever I started to feel that way, I would get a new letter from him in the mail, and I would pour over it for hours, reading it over and over again. The fact that he sat down to write out his feelings for me reminded me how special I really was to him...

I believe that God sends us love letters. Whether or not we've chosen to give Him control of our lives, He still whispers to us in a thousand different ways that He loves us. His love letters are meant to draw us to Him, to remind us that we are wanted by Him, that we are pursued by Him. I think I appreciate them most in the darkest moments, when my humanity is wreaking havoc with my faith. As I'm thinking about this, I realize He's been sending our family lots of little love notes lately... There have been three different occasions within the last month where God spoke through others to encourage us when we were feeling frustrated or down. Then, we got to have some unexpected fun time together as a family during two snow days! He is so good to us!

My favorite love letter from God recently came in the form of a neighbor, a friend. Her name is Tammy, and she lives next door to us. Tammy, her husband Brandon, and their 5-year-old son Caden moved back to Arkansas during a transition in their lives to be near family. They'd been given a vision from God in which they were working with college kids on a campus where Brandon is teaching. So, from that vision, he had completed his masters degree and had applied for a grant that would allow him to work on his PhD. They had planned to go to Chicago in the fall, to continue pursuing that calling. So, they had moved to this apartment complex because it was the only one in the area that allowed short term leases. However, shortly after they moved in, Brandon found out that he didn't get the grant.

Shortly after we found out that we wouldn't be going to Ireland, I met her downstairs while she was walking her dog Jingles. I'd been wanting to meet her since we'd moved in, but hadn't had the chance to do so. We talked briefly and realized that we'd both just found out that the direction we thought God was leading us had abruptly changed, with no clear idea of what our new direction should be! One day as our kids were playing together, Tammy wondered aloud, "Why, of all places, does God have us in Maumelle?" Jeff and I ask each other a similar question over and over again, "Why are we still here?"

Here we were: seemingly STUCK....and right next door to each other! We were questioning our ability to hear God's direction, wondering where we'd gone wrong, trying to figure out how we would be able to move forward.

It's been a difficult year. Honesty demands that I admit this: I have moments where I just feel like an idiot! Occasionally I run across someone I haven't seen in a while, and the response is always some form of "Hey, what are you still doing in Little Rock? I thought you were going overseas...?" I inwardly cringe every time I hear that because there are a lot of days when I don't understand it either, so I don't know how in the world to explain it to someone else, especially in a 2-minute run-in at the grocery store. Once we started to pursue overseas missions, Jeff and I spent the first several months in sheer excitement. There's something so exhilarating about knowing that the God of the universe has a specific plan for your life, and that He wants to use you. When God made it clear to us that we would no longer be going to Ireland, it was really confusing. And now, we long to begin the work He's set aside for us in Alconbury, but it seems to be taking so long to raise the necessary funds. This is where the enemy really plays with my insecurities. Jeff and I decided, however, that we would continue to obey Him regardless of how ridiculous we might look to everyone else (let's face it: our lives just don't make a lot of sense right now); so we just keep pushing onward, believing that if we haven't raised all of our support yet, He must still have a purpose for us here.

I have felt isolated, disappointed, forgotten, alone. There are moments when I want to throw my hands in the air and declare a pity party for all of us! But I know, even if I can't see it yet, that God has a plan here. Maybe it's that this time allows us to pull together as our own family unit. I've seen a lot of that, actually. Or, maybe it's an opportunity for strength-building. Maybe it's something that I can't even imagine. I know that it's for our good, that He's got our best interests in mind. Embarrassingly, however, knowing that fact doesn't make me immune to self-pity!

When I'm wallowing, though, all I have to do is look at the door next to mine and I can almost hear His whispers..."I'm here. I love you! I haven't forgotten you."

God loved this family enough to send us friends to walk with us through all of this...another family who will pray for us as we pray for them, because we are in very similar places in this journey. They are friends who will encourage us when we need it most; they offer a smile and some company when we might feel lonely. He didn't have to do that! But He did, and knowing that allows me to feel His love, when the enemy might try to convince me that He's forgotten us.

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

Jeremiah 31:3