Story Of A Life

Jeff had been raving about his latest Donald Miller read, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years. I'd been busy, but I finally got around to reading it not too long ago. Once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down... it just spoke to me. In this book, Miller is trying to assist a couple of movie producers in making a movie of his first book, Blue Like Jazz, his life story. He struggles to make his own experiences interesting enough to become a movie, and as he walks through this process, he begins to look at his life differently. I love the Author's Note in the beginning of the book:

"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove it off the lot, testing the windshield wipers. You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you'd seen. The truth is, you'd feel robbed and want your money back. Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo."

I love this! I believe that I, along with many Americans, want to have a safe dream. Work hard, pile up stuff, retire. That's the story that I get sidetracked into wanting to live out. I guess I'm too afraid to take many risks, because I don't want to jeopardize the (if I'm being honest?) somewhat pitiful life experiences I've had so far! I'm not saying I should be crazy, haphazard, irresponsible... but there is something amazing about feeling the rush of blood to my cheeks when I've done something new, something exciting, something challenging, and made it through.

Miller talks about how, as he begins to write the movie with his producer friends, he realizes that he doesn't necessarily want his movie 'self' to embrace conflict. "I wanted it to be an easy story. But nobody really remembers easy stories. Characters have to face their greatest fears with courage. That's what makes a story good. If you think about the stories you like most, they probably have lots of conflict. There is probably death at stake, inner death or actual death, you know. These polar charges, these happy and sad things in life, are like colors God uses to draw the world."

It's true! I avoid conflict at all costs! It's been built into me, I think. I love to stay where things are comfy-cozy, easy to understand, and most of all, away from the risky! Fortunately (although it may seem unfortunate at times!), I am married to a man who looks for adventure, seeks out conflict with one purpose in mind: solution. Therefore our life together often involves taking a lot more risks than I would ever encounter if it were up to me. And (sigh) I've learned that many times, the risks and conflicts are worth it in the end! I wonder if God didn't chuckle to himself on the day we got married as He looked into our future! I have to admit, though, that after reading this book, I am asking myself: What kind of story am I living?

Of course, this also applies to my spiritual life. Francis Chan is probably my favorite author/speaker and I ran across a talk he gave on this subject. Take a look:







...almost as if my life really is a movie, and the audience is God himself.


Something to think about, anyway...

(All quotes mentioned above are from A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, by Donald Miller)

...Someday...

This afternoon as I was driving from one errand to the next, one of the the three little people in my backseat piped up out of about 10 minutes of a sleepy silence and said, "Mom, when is Jesus coming to get us?"


I have to admit, I stammered for a moment, because the question came from Cael. He is a typical four-year-old boy who really isn't concerned with those things that aren't right in front of his face, so this question totally took me by surprise. I took the opportunity to talk about Jesus' return. He wanted to know where Jesus is now, and why He'll be coming back. Hannah joined in the conversation and we just wandered around our imaginations about what it will be like to be with Jesus in heaven. I told them some of the basics of what the Bible says in regards to the gates of pearl, the streets of gold, the crystal clear sea... I could tell Hannah was really enjoying these pictures in her mind. We talked about how great it will be to see our family members who've died and already gone to heaven. And we talked about how it will feel to finally see Jesus.

The other day I went to see the movie Avatar. Now, regardless of what you think of that movie, you have to admit that there was some amazing scenery in it... What creativity the human mind has! But since I went to see it, I've been struck with one thing, and that is the limits of humanity vs. the limitlessness of God. If a human can think up and make a short movie experience like Avatar, can you imagine what God can do? Can you just imagine what heaven will be like? The beauty, the perfection, the absolute take-your-breath-away reality of heaven... I was reading in Revelations 21, and it talks about how the city streets of heaven will be made of gold that is so pure that it's transparent, like glass. Can you imagine?! The wall around the city is made of jasper, and it says the foundation is decorated with every kind of precious stone. The 12 gates of the city are 12 pearls. I mean, I can't even get my mind around all of this!


The really astounding part of this is that none of it will matter when we see our Savior. All my life I've heard about how there won't be any sickness or pain when we get there, how we'll have mansions, and walk on streets of gold. But several years ago, I fell in love with Jesus in such a way that my heart just aches to see him. And I believe that being with him will so far outshine all the other stuff that it won't matter.

Love Letters

Having just celebrated Valentines Day, I've been thinking a lot about love letters. The beautiful thing about a love letter is that it's physical, tangible. You can see it, touch it. It connects you to that person in a different way than the spoken word could ever do. Jeff and I spent about four months of our engagement apart. He moved to Iowa, while I stayed in Arkansas until our wedding day. We have a shoebox full of love letters that we wrote to each other during that time. I remember how much I missed Jeff during those months. There were moments when I started to doubt his love for me, if for no other reason than the fact that he was so far away. Whenever I started to feel that way, I would get a new letter from him in the mail, and I would pour over it for hours, reading it over and over again. The fact that he sat down to write out his feelings for me reminded me how special I really was to him...

I believe that God sends us love letters. Whether or not we've chosen to give Him control of our lives, He still whispers to us in a thousand different ways that He loves us. His love letters are meant to draw us to Him, to remind us that we are wanted by Him, that we are pursued by Him. I think I appreciate them most in the darkest moments, when my humanity is wreaking havoc with my faith. As I'm thinking about this, I realize He's been sending our family lots of little love notes lately... There have been three different occasions within the last month where God spoke through others to encourage us when we were feeling frustrated or down. Then, we got to have some unexpected fun time together as a family during two snow days! He is so good to us!

My favorite love letter from God recently came in the form of a neighbor, a friend. Her name is Tammy, and she lives next door to us. Tammy, her husband Brandon, and their 5-year-old son Caden moved back to Arkansas during a transition in their lives to be near family. They'd been given a vision from God in which they were working with college kids on a campus where Brandon is teaching. So, from that vision, he had completed his masters degree and had applied for a grant that would allow him to work on his PhD. They had planned to go to Chicago in the fall, to continue pursuing that calling. So, they had moved to this apartment complex because it was the only one in the area that allowed short term leases. However, shortly after they moved in, Brandon found out that he didn't get the grant.

Shortly after we found out that we wouldn't be going to Ireland, I met her downstairs while she was walking her dog Jingles. I'd been wanting to meet her since we'd moved in, but hadn't had the chance to do so. We talked briefly and realized that we'd both just found out that the direction we thought God was leading us had abruptly changed, with no clear idea of what our new direction should be! One day as our kids were playing together, Tammy wondered aloud, "Why, of all places, does God have us in Maumelle?" Jeff and I ask each other a similar question over and over again, "Why are we still here?"

Here we were: seemingly STUCK....and right next door to each other! We were questioning our ability to hear God's direction, wondering where we'd gone wrong, trying to figure out how we would be able to move forward.

It's been a difficult year. Honesty demands that I admit this: I have moments where I just feel like an idiot! Occasionally I run across someone I haven't seen in a while, and the response is always some form of "Hey, what are you still doing in Little Rock? I thought you were going overseas...?" I inwardly cringe every time I hear that because there are a lot of days when I don't understand it either, so I don't know how in the world to explain it to someone else, especially in a 2-minute run-in at the grocery store. Once we started to pursue overseas missions, Jeff and I spent the first several months in sheer excitement. There's something so exhilarating about knowing that the God of the universe has a specific plan for your life, and that He wants to use you. When God made it clear to us that we would no longer be going to Ireland, it was really confusing. And now, we long to begin the work He's set aside for us in Alconbury, but it seems to be taking so long to raise the necessary funds. This is where the enemy really plays with my insecurities. Jeff and I decided, however, that we would continue to obey Him regardless of how ridiculous we might look to everyone else (let's face it: our lives just don't make a lot of sense right now); so we just keep pushing onward, believing that if we haven't raised all of our support yet, He must still have a purpose for us here.

I have felt isolated, disappointed, forgotten, alone. There are moments when I want to throw my hands in the air and declare a pity party for all of us! But I know, even if I can't see it yet, that God has a plan here. Maybe it's that this time allows us to pull together as our own family unit. I've seen a lot of that, actually. Or, maybe it's an opportunity for strength-building. Maybe it's something that I can't even imagine. I know that it's for our good, that He's got our best interests in mind. Embarrassingly, however, knowing that fact doesn't make me immune to self-pity!

When I'm wallowing, though, all I have to do is look at the door next to mine and I can almost hear His whispers..."I'm here. I love you! I haven't forgotten you."

God loved this family enough to send us friends to walk with us through all of this...another family who will pray for us as we pray for them, because we are in very similar places in this journey. They are friends who will encourage us when we need it most; they offer a smile and some company when we might feel lonely. He didn't have to do that! But He did, and knowing that allows me to feel His love, when the enemy might try to convince me that He's forgotten us.

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

Jeremiah 31:3